She Always Knew
by HarTay2022
Summary: Have you ever thought that Spock was dealing with more emotions after the destruction of Vulcan and the loss of his mother then he let on? I think so too. NO SLASH!


**Hey everyone! I know I haven't written anything in a long time, but I got something now!**

 **P.S. This story can be read as a prequel to my other Star Trek story, "What We Gain From What We Lost." But it can also be read on its own!**

 **I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Are there really any winners in a battle, in a war? One side will always triumph, but the victory is always bittersweet. Destruction, guilt, pain, loss; it is felt on both sides. So much innocence is taken away in the wake of war, many lives are cut short, many families broken, and for what? Fear, revenge, pleasure, the simple fact that people can't always agree? So who are the winners again? No one, no one wins in a war. And after all is said and done, was it worth it?

No. It was not.

"Spock!"

The Vulcan turned at the sound of his name. The _Enterprise_ had just defeated Nero and was now slowly limping back home for some much needed repair and a lot of explaining to do. The main thing that needed to be explained was the very thing, or person rather, that was jogging to catch up with the human-Vulcan hybrid.

"Hey, Spock." Jim breathed as he came to a halt near his crew member.

"Good evening, Captain Kirk." His monotone voice greeted. "Do you require my assistance?"

Jim smirked slightly as he knew the Vulcan would cut right to the chase.

"Uh, no Spock. I…" his hand migrated up to scratch the back of his neck. "I wanted to apologize."

Spock's eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion. If Jim didn't know any better, he would have thought that his eyebrows were the only thing on his face that showed emotion. But he did know better. Due to recent events, he knew so much better.

"What is there that you feel the need to apologize for, Captain?"

Jim quit scratching at his neck and his face became serious, if not a bit bewildered. How could Spock not know what he was apologizing for? If fact, what could he _not_ apologize for?

"Well, everything, but specifically…I want to apologize for what I said to you. About not feeling anything about your planet being destroyed, and…"

He paused, and his expression changed from one of seriousness, to one of sympathy. It was a hard topic to bring up, it would be hard no matter who he was talking to. It didn't make a difference whether or not he was talking to a human, a Vulcan or any living thing. The loss of a parent was difficult, and he could say with all honesty that he truly felt sorry for Spock. So much had been ripped away from him so quickly, and what did Jim do? He rubbed a whole container of salt into his freshly inflicted wound; and even though it had to be done for the good of the ship, the crew, and even the world, it didn't make the task any easier for Jim.

"…About you not loving your mother. I…I can't express how sorry I am, Spock. It's hard to explain…"

Boy, was it ever hard to explain. Why couldn't it have been as simple as to tell Spock that he met his future self, and his future self told him to emotionally compromise him? That made sense right?

"But I needed to take control of the ship, and I knew you just weren't going to hand it over. So…I…had to make you realize that you were-"

"Emotionally compromised and unfit to be acting captain." Spock supplied unexpectedly, but calmly.

Jim stood mouth agape in surprise for a second before continuing.

"Uh…yes. But I shouldn't have gone that far. I really didn't mean a word of it, and I deserved to be punched in the face and strangled within an inch of my life." He smiled slightly to show no hard feelings for the attack. He brought it on, so he deserved it.

"But in all seriousness, Spock. I deeply and truly want to say that I'm sorry…and I just hope that one day you can forgive me."

He held out his hand for Spock to shake in a sign of peace between them, and to his surprised, Spock accepted it almost immediately. After a brief shake, Spock clasped his hands behind his back.

"Captain, your apology is accepted, but not needed. Indeed your words and argument were-"

"Harsh." Jim jumped in.

"As you say, I have come to realize that your plans and actions were ones that needed to be taken in order for the mission to destroy the Romulans and rescue Captain Pike to be a success. As with your apology, your asking for my forgiveness is not needed. You did what was needed to be done for the task at hand. However, my emotional outburst was uncalled for, whether provoked or not, I should not have allowed it to escalate to the point that it did. It is I who must apologize for my actions, Captain."

It was hard to detect, but Jim could have sworn that he heard a bit of feeling in Spock's words. The poor guy really had been through so much, and it wasn't fair. He had not blamed him at all for his outburst, to try to hold it all in and keep calm in front of your crew was a near impossibility for anyone. His heart really did go out to the Vulcan.

"Spock, I don't mean to sound like your echo or anything, but you don't have to apologize, all is said and done and forgiven. Trust me, if I were you, I would have almost killed me too."

"I had no intention to do such a thing."

Jim smiled, "I know. It's all good Spock, it's all good."

"Thank you, Captain."

Spock turned to walk away; he got about half a step.

"Spock!"

He turned around again as Jim stepped closer and put a hand on the Vulcan's shoulder. Spock looked and Jim's hand for a second, then looked up to see his face, concern was evident in his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

His eyebrows lifted in surprise.

"Yes, Captain. I am well."

"Yeah, but I mean okay okay, like with everything?"

Spock knew what he was referring to, and to be honest, he wasn't quite sure.

"Yes, Captain."

Jim didn't believe him, but he wasn't going to force Spock to talk about it if he didn't want to.

"…Alright, but please understand that I'm here if you need me, we all are, Spock."

At this, Jim squeezed Spock's shoulder slightly. Spock felt this and recognized that this was often an action that humans performed to show that they truly meant something. It was also a sign of friendship that he had seen many times on Earth since he left Vulcan. He had witnessed, but never experienced.

With a lack of something to say for the situation, Spock said the first thing that came to his mind. "Thank you, Captain."

He smiled and chuckled a bit. "Jim, Spock. It's Jim."

"Thank you, Jim."

Jim's smile grew a bit. It's a start, he thought.

He nodded once and squeezed Spock's shoulder one last time, before they both continued on their separate ways.

* * *

Spock stood in his quarters, his body silent, but his mind a screeching whirlwind of thoughts. What was going to happen? What would he say? And what would the answer be?

Just then the whoosh on the automatic door alerted him that his visitor had arrived. Spock turned around and offered the Vulcan salute.

"Good evening, Father."

His father returned the gesture.

"Good evening, Spock."

They both put their hands down and stood in silence for a moment.

"You had requested a private conversation with me, here in your quarters." Sarek's monotone words were more of a statement than a question.

"Indeed." He slowly answered. Not knowing quite what to say, his gaze gradually slipped to the floor as he turned around clasping his hands behind his back.

It became quite clear to Sarek that something was troubling his son; and like any good father, he was determined to help him however he could.

"I encourage you to speak your mind, Spock."

They were the same words that his father used only a few short hours ago. Just a few short hours ago, he had lost all control of his emotions, the emotions that he tried to keep behind the barriers. All his training as a child, forgotten in a single second.

Spock closed his eyes as his back remained turned. "Did she know?"

Sarek's eyebrows rose slightly at his son's question, but before he could respond, Spock spoke again.

"Did she know that I loved her?"

The silence was heavy between the two Vulcans. One stood silent waiting for an answer; the other's mouth hung open in shock and sympathy, at least as much as he could show.

"Spock…of course she knew you loved her."

"Then why do I feel as though she did not?" he turned to face his father. "Why can't I recall saying to her that I did…?" he paused for a long second. "…why…did I not…tell her?"

The questions that fired from him were heard by his father, but meant for himself. Why _had_ he never told her? She was his mother, the woman who gave him life, the woman that made up half of who he was. Every human aspect of his life came from her, and her alone. Even though it had been a unanimous and the most logical decision for them to raise him completely Vulcan, that did not mean that his human side would just go away. He still had emotions, all Vulcans had emotions really, but _being_ Vulcan meant control over them the whole time so that they did not control him.

"Spock…" he started slowly. "If I have learned anything from your mother, it is that love is an emotion that is not just told to someone, but shown to them."

Spock focused on his father. "I…I do not understand."

"I married you mother because I loved her, I held her hand because I loved her, I kissed her because I loved her, her and I chose each other to spend the rest of our lives together because we loved each other."

It was true, Sarek loved Amanda with all his heart and she had loved him just as much. There was never any question between them, Amanda knew that Sarek was Vulcan and Sarek knew that Amanda was human. Did they have two different views? Yes. Two different cultures? Yes. Did they both have different ways when dealing with emotion? Yes. Did they love each other and have their ways to show it? Absolutely.

"You did not need to tell her for her to know, Spock. She knew, she always knew."

Spock was silent. He allowed his father's words to echo in his mind as he reminisced about times shared with his mother. He remembered planting desert flowers in their garden as a child. He remembered sitting on the porch swing looking out at the lake at her brother's house on their family reunions. He recalled always letting her straighten the non-existing wrinkles out of his clothes before he went anywhere, he remembered her smile. He loved to make her smile; it was always so nice when she smiled. Being on Vulcan, no one smiled like she did, it was special, something Spock had that the other Vulcan children did not have and did not get to see every day like he did. He would do anything to make her happy, he always wanted her to be happy because he loved her, and he would not have wanted her any other way.

But she was gone now, taken from the world in such a cruel and selfish way, Nero had taken her away from him and his father; he broke their family and left a hole in his heart the size of the space that the planet Vulcan once stood.

Spock's breaths began to come out a bit labored.

Sarek grew concered. "Spock…?"

He hesitated. "I…I still fear anger over the event of Mother's death, but…I…I also feel…"

Sarek understood. "Heartbroken. You are devastated, as am I."

Spock nodded slightly. He looked down at the floor as it became blurry; he gritted his teeth making his mouth form into a tight straight line. His fingers curled into fists and his sides.

"…I…I am failing, Father…"

He began to slowly approach his son.

"No, Spock. You are feeling, and feeling is not failing." And he meant it.

A sniffle could be heard in the quiet room, and warm tears slid down Spock's cheeks.

"…I…I…"

"Let it out, Spock." He whispered in a soothing, encouraging voice.

Spock looked up, his eyes sparkled with tears and his cheeks moist and turning a light shade of green.

"…I…I miss Mom."

That was all that it took for the unshed tears to burst through along with everything that he had been trying to hold back since the unfortunate event. He couldn't take it anymore, his planet, all those people, his mother, they were all gone. He covered his face with his hands, in an attempt to hide the fact that he was crying, even though he was really trying to hide it from himself.

Sarek was by his son in an instant, wrapping his arms around him and bringing him into a close hug, just as Amanda would have done. He rubbed his back and the back of his head as Spock's shoulders shook with sobs. He buried his face in his father's shoulder and wrapped his arms around him to return the embrace.

"I got you, my son…shhh…shhh…it is alright…I am here…I got you." He placed his chin on top of Spock's head as the sobs racked through his son's body. He could feel the material on his shoulder becoming damp, but he did not care. Right now, Spock was all he cared about, this is what he really needed, they both did.

"I-I-I…still love h-her…" the young Vulcan hiccupped.

"I know, my boy. I do as well. We will always love her. Death does not take love away." Sarek closed his eyes as tears ran down his face and on to Spock's hair. "She will always love us too."

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 **Please let me know what you think! :)**


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